tanksgibin

I become content with my aloneness. In fact, more often than not, I prefer, if not actively seek it.

It is surprising how few people disappoint you when you have no expectations of them.
Or perhaps when you expect them to disappoint you.

so i wrote that in an email to a woman i used to be friends with. i really do not know if i still am. part of me thinks i am. parts of me hopes i am. most of me is just mished up in the turmoil.
(yes, i know mished isn't really a word, but i like the sound of it. i'm going to keep it. get over it.)

i wonder, is this resignation? am i truly becoming content with myself? will i ever move past this point and into true happiness?

these questions and more on today's show.

thanksgiving.

to give thanks.

for lots of food.
for fat, yummy turkeys or pigs or whatever your protein of choice was.

to all my vegetarian friends out there, i saw a great shirt the other day.

killing animals is murder. yummy, yummy murder.

somedays i love mankind so very, very much.

ok, not really, but it seemed the thing to say at the time.

it seems my week for pep talks. i got a couple.

the best is a woman i work with. i was asking her some advice on applying to a position that would be awesome for me at this point in my development as a lighting designer; also, in my career as a lighting designer. both very good things for me. of course it grew out into several aspects of my life and how i deal with people, particularly in regards to seeking work, a very important thing as a freelancer.
she made a great statement:
"its kind of like when you ask a girl out on a date."
i replied with, "i don't think thats the best analogy for me. i don't ask girls out."
she responded, " i know. that's why it works for you."
(all dialogue is recorded word for word from the depths of my sick and twisted mind and reflects in no way whatsoever the actually words of any of the participants, however, i hope it at least vaguely resembles the points made in some general, if not entirely accurate manner.)

her point of course being that i do not always make it completely clear what it is i wish in a situation. that when i talk to a producer or company, i think i have said "i want to work with you," but what comes across is "gee i kind of work in that field too and maybe you can call me sometime if you want."

not exactly the best language for job seeking. or dating.

speaking of which.

i met an absolutely amazing woman a few weeks ago. smart, funny, beautiful, works in the business so understands how it works...
perfect.

if i was ever going to introduce a woman to my mother, this would be her.
(i'm not by the way. if she wants to meet my parents, she's on her own. maybe someday i'll tell her where they live. which country at least. but thats another day. for now, she'll just have to go on believing i am an orphan.)

unfortunately i met her in a work environment.
now, i am not so good at expressing social interest in the best of times. at work, i am even worse. yes, there is a reason for that. no i am not going to tell you right now. one psycho drama at a time.

so now i am in a quandry.
how do i try to tell her i am interested in a non-work related fashion. i'd love to ask her out, maybe get lunch, coffee, dinner, movie, whatever. i really don't care as long as i get to be with her, listen to her voice and look into her gorgeous eyes.

sounds cliche. i know.
doesn't matter.
i'm not saying i am hopelessly and desperately in love with this girl.
i'm not saying it's even possible for something to ever work out like that.

but i would very much like to find out.

help. please help.

i am open to any and all opinions.
until i figure out what to do, i will keep hoping she doesn't know i am talking about her here.
even if she read it.

well, that should be enough for today.
hope you ate enough turkey.
stupid bird. we need to eat all of them.

'appy tanksgibin' t' allyaall.

i'm out.