amazon gift certificates.

the currency of christmas.

all i give.

all i receive.

print at the last minute.

never out of stock.

it has been said that gift certificates are not good gifts.

for some people, perhaps.

but in general, i must disagree.

i don't even know what i want for christmas, how could anyone who was trying to give me a gift. so i have made both of our lives much easier. just a simple online transaction and we both win. how is this not a good gift. last year, i took all my certificates and got some very nice gifts that i really enjoyed. i can only thank those who allowed that to be.

so if you feel you must give me a gift, amazon gift certificates.

yours is in the email.

merry christmas.

christmas

i find myself missing a feeling of christmas.

i want to feel it. i look for it.

a feeling that brings something good to the world.

of peace on earth.

goodwill towards men.

i do not feel connected to anyone.

i do not know who i would want to be connected to.

i am cutting off more connections, surrounding myself with more and more nothing everyday.

christmas is here. a time of peace. a time of goodwill.

and while i may not be connected to you, and you may not be connected to me,

i wish you the best of the spirit of christmas.

no money.

no gifts.

no strings attached.

wrap a bow on that.

out.

still

i wrote this whole entry, but it ended up sounding a bit too whiny. so i deleted it and started over.

i do want it all to end.

i could use a vacation. a break. a pause?

something.

but i think it will not happen tonight.

so i will look for stillness.

ease the troubled mind.

calm the emotional turmoil.

surrender the pain.

the still mind.

...

...

well that didn't work.

what's next.

out.

i don't know...

where to start.

i can think of almost no way in which this month has not sucked.

i have nothing left.

i wish i had the energy to lament the total loss of all emotional function.

but i don't.

i'm done.

stick a fork in me.

out.

ps, for anyone looking for me on facebook, don't. i have disabled chat there for the time being.

i may be found in regular chat outlets. or email.

or not at all.

hard to say.

another look out...

today's window.

message to a once friend...

i really don't know what to do.
i don't remember "right now" at all.
i don't know what the word friend means anymore. but i don't think of you as one. right now. i used to. perhaps someday i will again. i don't know. and i don't know how to go about letting you back in.
i guess it comes down to why should i trust you?
part of me really really really wants you back in my life.
part of me doesn't.
i have no idea what any of this means, no idea whether it means anything at all, etc. many things in my life have changed in the last few years. some things haven't.
what do i do?
i don't know.

dj night

also known as endless hours of pain and suffering to be closely followed by headaches lasting for days. but at least the pay is mediocre.

on the plus side, there are a great many attractive young womens here in skimpy outfits.

of course, none of them would ever even know i was alive.

prolly for the best, given what i have seen so far. best to forget them and move on.

more later. depending on how bored i get during this night.

out.

is this..

what i have become?

what i do?

what there is?

where i am?

where my life is going?

all?

fear/love pt1

the fear surrounds me

takes me in

courses through me

is it inside

do i ride within it

or am i the vehicle of its expression

the love surrounds me

but it cannot come in

it does not dwell within

for my walls of pain and fear

remain impenetrable

do i fear love

am i comfortable in fear

yes

comfortable

afraid

alone

hey,

I see dead people.

window today

and another today.

so here i am sitting at sugarspace between the shows riot act's the bogeyman.

fun show. if you missed it, too bad for you.

i have a really weird feeling about the next few days. not sure what.

not good. not bad. but something is going to happen. i wonder...

i have had a headache for about 3 days straight now. the dryer vents in my apartment building are apparently all connected. there are two (of four) that the occupants are smokers. so whenever they do the laundry, my apartment smells like wet cigarettes. which i am allergic to. have told the landlord several times and he keeps saying he is going to do something, but as usual, nothing gets done and i get to suffer more. yay for me. its almost to the point that i really do not want to go home. i need it to be fixed. i am going to send something in writing again. it wont help, but maybe later i can prove i sent him something. i am kind of getting tired of bullshit landlords who do not do what they say, but that is the standard in utah. mostly because the entire legislature is composed of landlords. surprise.

so i guess i will just have to continue to bend over and take it.

so consistent with the rest of my life right now.

to help even more, i...

i think i will leave it be for now. maybe later.

out.

today.

it has been a long hard month. work issues, money issues, personal issues, hell, even my issues have issues. but now it is today.

let's see what happens.

we are loading in a show at sugarspace this afternoon. a group called riot act from wyoming. you now know everything about them that i do.

they are 45 mins late as of right now. by the time this posts, even later.

no worries.

i brought in a guy and we spent yesterday going through he entire lighting system. it works much better now. cleaner look as well. still much work to do. if you have money, feel free to donate it to my lighting system upgrade fund.

i think that is all for now. i need to go plug in my laptop. the battery has a lifespan of about none. hopefully they will arrive soon.

i may be back.

out.

the end of neglect?

the possibility exists of more things to come soon in this space. i'm not sure exactly what is going to happen or how, but i think i will be talking more about it here. which could be good since i seem to have been neglecting this space for a while.

sorry.

out.

techno trauma

so everything failed today. my primary desktop crashed think i lost my boot drive. i have no replacement. turned on my secondary tower. failed to initialize any form of i/o. no keyboard. no mouse. nothing. so i have a room full of dead computers right now. i am afraid to take my laptop in the for fear whatever they have is contagious. all during a period of employmental redistribution and fiscal void.

on the plus side, absolutely nothing.

so, yay team negative.

this glass is all empty.

out.

sometimes

sometimes, you wish for things.

sometimes you know they are not what you need.

sometimes you wish for them anyway.

sometimes you want fantasy.

sometimes you want reality.

sometimes you want both.

sometimes you wish for everything.

sometimes you wish for nothing.

sometimes.

more...

floater

on the town.

floater @ stateroom. almost lit.

an allegory...

...for my life. empty seats waiting for non-existent actors to play never written parts.

here we go again...

random unfunny and dull.

so i never put up any pictures of nebraska. and i'm still not going to. yet. maybe later.

i have quit my apprentice program part time job. i am now hungry.

hopefully something financially exciting happens soon.

i just reorganized my books. most of them fit on the shelves. as long as i don't buy anymore...

putting in a new filing cabinet. wonder what iwill be doing for the next couple weeks.

definitely not the winner post of the year.

maybe next time.

out.

today in sugarspace

process pt1

random, quick and dirty

Ever since the beginning of time, mankind hs dreamed of more, bigger, better. More for me. More for my family. More for my community. More for my people. More for my world. Over the river. Over the mountain. Over the continent. Over the ocean.

Once landbound, flight. Once planetbound, space. One step after another, new frontier after new frontier.

So why stop here?

Are we afraid? What of? The cost?
Rest assured, there will be one.
Financial. Emotional. Physical. Spiritual.
We will pay in blood, sweat, tears.
In lives.

We try. We learn. We change. We fix. We try again.
We cannot know. We cannot plan for every contingency. We do the best we can, and accept the fate god gives us.
Will there be success? Yes.
Will there be failure? Yes.

Will it be worth it?
Yes.

so i made it.

i am alive and here in Lincoln, Nebraska.

now what.

tomorrow i will load in a set, then fly home.

it will be exciting.

i will take pictures. maybe i will show them to you.

whoever you are.

if you are.

out.

its the middle of the end...

...or the end of the middle. not sure which.
don't really care.

tonight is my last night on this opera. it still has one more performance and a load out, but I will not be here. instead, I will be driving to lincoln nebraska to put up a set for the company. it will be nice to get out of town for a few days.

anyone know anything fun to do in beautiful downtown lincoln?

out.

here we are again...

just sitting here so i thought i would type something in.

...

...

wow. extremely profound today, i know.

feeling pretty empty of thought. nothing really new in that, i guess. but there you have it.

i have started working on a new rpg campaign. i'm actually kind of excited for it. haven't really been excited for gm'ing in a while. although, the excitement seems to be coming as much from working with a pencil and paper as it does from the reading and planning portions.

i guess we will have to see what happens.

out.

another

inspire me

"place title here"

well kids, its a whole new year. guess what? i still have nothing important or even interesting to say. life continues in its own inscrutable way, dragging us on, regardless of our plans. of course that only makes sense if you make plans. which so far i have steadfastly maintained a 100% failure rate. or you could say i have a 100% success rate at making no plans and the achieving them.

or something like that.

well, taking more pictures, writing more stuff, so maybe have something to post this year. then again, maybe not.

i'll make a plan for it. one of them. or both.

or not.

happy new year, may it bring the most to you in life, whether planned or not.

out.