tanksgibin

I become content with my aloneness. In fact, more often than not, I prefer, if not actively seek it.

It is surprising how few people disappoint you when you have no expectations of them.
Or perhaps when you expect them to disappoint you.

so i wrote that in an email to a woman i used to be friends with. i really do not know if i still am. part of me thinks i am. parts of me hopes i am. most of me is just mished up in the turmoil.
(yes, i know mished isn't really a word, but i like the sound of it. i'm going to keep it. get over it.)

i wonder, is this resignation? am i truly becoming content with myself? will i ever move past this point and into true happiness?

these questions and more on today's show.

thanksgiving.

to give thanks.

for lots of food.
for fat, yummy turkeys or pigs or whatever your protein of choice was.

to all my vegetarian friends out there, i saw a great shirt the other day.

killing animals is murder. yummy, yummy murder.

somedays i love mankind so very, very much.

ok, not really, but it seemed the thing to say at the time.

it seems my week for pep talks. i got a couple.

the best is a woman i work with. i was asking her some advice on applying to a position that would be awesome for me at this point in my development as a lighting designer; also, in my career as a lighting designer. both very good things for me. of course it grew out into several aspects of my life and how i deal with people, particularly in regards to seeking work, a very important thing as a freelancer.
she made a great statement:
"its kind of like when you ask a girl out on a date."
i replied with, "i don't think thats the best analogy for me. i don't ask girls out."
she responded, " i know. that's why it works for you."
(all dialogue is recorded word for word from the depths of my sick and twisted mind and reflects in no way whatsoever the actually words of any of the participants, however, i hope it at least vaguely resembles the points made in some general, if not entirely accurate manner.)

her point of course being that i do not always make it completely clear what it is i wish in a situation. that when i talk to a producer or company, i think i have said "i want to work with you," but what comes across is "gee i kind of work in that field too and maybe you can call me sometime if you want."

not exactly the best language for job seeking. or dating.

speaking of which.

i met an absolutely amazing woman a few weeks ago. smart, funny, beautiful, works in the business so understands how it works...
perfect.

if i was ever going to introduce a woman to my mother, this would be her.
(i'm not by the way. if she wants to meet my parents, she's on her own. maybe someday i'll tell her where they live. which country at least. but thats another day. for now, she'll just have to go on believing i am an orphan.)

unfortunately i met her in a work environment.
now, i am not so good at expressing social interest in the best of times. at work, i am even worse. yes, there is a reason for that. no i am not going to tell you right now. one psycho drama at a time.

so now i am in a quandry.
how do i try to tell her i am interested in a non-work related fashion. i'd love to ask her out, maybe get lunch, coffee, dinner, movie, whatever. i really don't care as long as i get to be with her, listen to her voice and look into her gorgeous eyes.

sounds cliche. i know.
doesn't matter.
i'm not saying i am hopelessly and desperately in love with this girl.
i'm not saying it's even possible for something to ever work out like that.

but i would very much like to find out.

help. please help.

i am open to any and all opinions.
until i figure out what to do, i will keep hoping she doesn't know i am talking about her here.
even if she read it.

well, that should be enough for today.
hope you ate enough turkey.
stupid bird. we need to eat all of them.

'appy tanksgibin' t' allyaall.

i'm out.

i got some pictures today from one of the people in santa barbara. they show a bunch of us hanging out backstage. its interesting to see an event from someone else's perspective.

there is something i am not sure i want to post here. not that anyone reads this blog, but i am considering telling certain people about it. however there are a couple people i do not want to read the things that i want to say. so i think for now i will keep it to myself. maybe someday i will write about it.

in other news, i have almost nothing to report. i am still fat, still alone and still terrified of women. sometimes i question whether any of these things will change.
yes, i am seeing a nutritionist now. but as of yet, i am having difficulty meeting the requirements she has of me. things which you wouldn't even think are all that hard.
however, small steps.

hopefully soon, the new rules will become much easier to follow. i am told they do after a while. i think the hardest part right now is admitting and then believing that i am worth all the trouble.
this is a new concept for me, one that has taken many years of hard work to even get to the possibility. now i have to cross the line.

maybe later.

i am hopefully going to be purchasing a new piece of software by the end of the year that will help me accomplish many of the things that i would like to do. mostly from a productivity standpoint. i'll tell more as we get closer to is happening.

that should be enough for now.

move along. nothing to see here.

begin the beginning

wow. i don't even know how to begin.


it seems each of my posts begins with an apology for not posting more often. of course, that assumes there is someone who actually reads this. i cannot imagine there is. i think i have only told one person about it.


maybe it is time to change things. perhaps i need to actually post daily. or weekly. or set some other arbitrary goal. of course none of that means anything without some means of control, some way to remind/force myself to post regularly. perhaps i need to put it in outlook as a task. maybe having my computer yell at me once in a while, telling me to get my fat ass in gear and write something will help.


perhaps we'll try it. let me ponder...


in the meanwhile.


october is always a slam month for me. three weeks spent in opera-land. this year it was the flying dutchman. pretty heavy stuff. light for wagner but heavy. of course, i don't really pay all that much attention. mostly during the show i surf the 'net, play games, etc.
this year, the opera also sent me out to do a set install. utah opera rents out the sets from their shows. most opera companies do. well we have a couple little ones, ones even i can't screw up. so i drove a truck to santa barbara (the eye in the firestorm that is california), set up a show, hung out for a couple days, then drove back. it was actually the perfect week. a couple long boring drives, a couple days of work, a couple days of nothing. sort of a working vacation. i still was doing stuff online and by phone (at least until it ran into some problems) but overall had a surprising amount of time to myself.
there are some awesome people down there. i had a blast. the crew was great. the town was fun. had some good food. rode a quad up a cool mountain. saw some beautiful scenery. saw some beautiful women. walked around a town where to all appearances i was the fattest guy in the whole city. probably not true but an interesting thought...
of course then i had to come back.

i am not going to spend a lot of time on this post. i want to get into the habit of posting more often so parsing may stories may help. hopefully.

maybe you enjoyed them too.