message to a once friend...

i really don't know what to do.
i don't remember "right now" at all.
i don't know what the word friend means anymore. but i don't think of you as one. right now. i used to. perhaps someday i will again. i don't know. and i don't know how to go about letting you back in.
i guess it comes down to why should i trust you?
part of me really really really wants you back in my life.
part of me doesn't.
i have no idea what any of this means, no idea whether it means anything at all, etc. many things in my life have changed in the last few years. some things haven't.
what do i do?
i don't know.

dj night

also known as endless hours of pain and suffering to be closely followed by headaches lasting for days. but at least the pay is mediocre.

on the plus side, there are a great many attractive young womens here in skimpy outfits.

of course, none of them would ever even know i was alive.

prolly for the best, given what i have seen so far. best to forget them and move on.

more later. depending on how bored i get during this night.

out.

is this..

what i have become?

what i do?

what there is?

where i am?

where my life is going?

all?

fear/love pt1

the fear surrounds me

takes me in

courses through me

is it inside

do i ride within it

or am i the vehicle of its expression

the love surrounds me

but it cannot come in

it does not dwell within

for my walls of pain and fear

remain impenetrable

do i fear love

am i comfortable in fear

yes

comfortable

afraid

alone

hey,

I see dead people.

window today

and another today.

so here i am sitting at sugarspace between the shows riot act's the bogeyman.

fun show. if you missed it, too bad for you.

i have a really weird feeling about the next few days. not sure what.

not good. not bad. but something is going to happen. i wonder...

i have had a headache for about 3 days straight now. the dryer vents in my apartment building are apparently all connected. there are two (of four) that the occupants are smokers. so whenever they do the laundry, my apartment smells like wet cigarettes. which i am allergic to. have told the landlord several times and he keeps saying he is going to do something, but as usual, nothing gets done and i get to suffer more. yay for me. its almost to the point that i really do not want to go home. i need it to be fixed. i am going to send something in writing again. it wont help, but maybe later i can prove i sent him something. i am kind of getting tired of bullshit landlords who do not do what they say, but that is the standard in utah. mostly because the entire legislature is composed of landlords. surprise.

so i guess i will just have to continue to bend over and take it.

so consistent with the rest of my life right now.

to help even more, i...

i think i will leave it be for now. maybe later.

out.