christmas

i find myself missing a feeling of christmas.

i want to feel it. i look for it.

a feeling that brings something good to the world.

of peace on earth.

goodwill towards men.

i do not feel connected to anyone.

i do not know who i would want to be connected to.

i am cutting off more connections, surrounding myself with more and more nothing everyday.

christmas is here. a time of peace. a time of goodwill.

and while i may not be connected to you, and you may not be connected to me,

i wish you the best of the spirit of christmas.

no money.

no gifts.

no strings attached.

wrap a bow on that.

out.

still

i wrote this whole entry, but it ended up sounding a bit too whiny. so i deleted it and started over.

i do want it all to end.

i could use a vacation. a break. a pause?

something.

but i think it will not happen tonight.

so i will look for stillness.

ease the troubled mind.

calm the emotional turmoil.

surrender the pain.

the still mind.

...

...

well that didn't work.

what's next.

out.

i don't know...

where to start.

i can think of almost no way in which this month has not sucked.

i have nothing left.

i wish i had the energy to lament the total loss of all emotional function.

but i don't.

i'm done.

stick a fork in me.

out.

ps, for anyone looking for me on facebook, don't. i have disabled chat there for the time being.

i may be found in regular chat outlets. or email.

or not at all.

hard to say.

another look out...

today's window.

message to a once friend...

i really don't know what to do.
i don't remember "right now" at all.
i don't know what the word friend means anymore. but i don't think of you as one. right now. i used to. perhaps someday i will again. i don't know. and i don't know how to go about letting you back in.
i guess it comes down to why should i trust you?
part of me really really really wants you back in my life.
part of me doesn't.
i have no idea what any of this means, no idea whether it means anything at all, etc. many things in my life have changed in the last few years. some things haven't.
what do i do?
i don't know.

dj night

also known as endless hours of pain and suffering to be closely followed by headaches lasting for days. but at least the pay is mediocre.

on the plus side, there are a great many attractive young womens here in skimpy outfits.

of course, none of them would ever even know i was alive.

prolly for the best, given what i have seen so far. best to forget them and move on.

more later. depending on how bored i get during this night.

out.